I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
