If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Randomize
