'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
My bed smells like the plague
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
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