Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
