what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
