dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Randomize