When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
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