when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
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