Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Randomize
