so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize