he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
