Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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