just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
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It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
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