oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
