Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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