I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize