strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
