Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
