3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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