Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Holy shit dude........stairs
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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