he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
3 2 1 whiskey
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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