When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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