I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
