Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Randomize
