got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
