If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Randomize
