best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
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