she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize