God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
