I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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