I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize