just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
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