I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Randomize
