My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
