I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
