I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
