Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
