Did you just see the Batmobile???
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Randomize