i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
