3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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