duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
