so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
