Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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