I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
