i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Randomize
