you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
not ubering you a puppy
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
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