woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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