I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Randomize
