Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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