Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Randomize
