Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
