I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
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