I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
