Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
