just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
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