Hey man sorry I got all grabby
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
