Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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