3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
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