I can tuck mytits in my pants
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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