My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
