I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
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