my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
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