I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Randomize
