No stitches, just platelets and will power
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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