Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize
