Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
